It begins with telling people you 'have news' and then giddily telling them that you are 'expecting'. "CONGRATULATIONS!! Were soooo happy for you!" is the response you expect, and the one you get.
BULLSHIT!
Those people are not happy for you, they are happy for themselves! You now get to see what they've been dealing with for however many years old their monster is (or, the horror, monsters are)! No one ever tells you the real deal of becoming a parent for the fear that, a) they will sound horrible, b) no others will join them in their miserable bliss.
Sure, all throughout the pregnancy you will experience those endorphins of happiness, picking out teeny weeny little socks and decorating the baby's room in oh-so-cute baby animals. You'll even take those happiness endorphins with you all the way through your delivery and the first few days of your baby's life. You will spend hours staring at your baby sleep, not caring that you haven't slept for 48 hours with a stupid I-love-everything grin on your face.
Then the reality sets in and you start to worry. You'll worry if your baby is eating enough, sleeping enough, pooping enough. You'll worry that your baby will be happy, feel loved, not get hurt. You'll worry that your baby will grow up to be a dreaded teenager and then you'll have to worry about more things. You'll worry that your baby will be successful, and content as an adult. You'll worry about if your baby will want to have their own baby so you can have grandbabies. Upon hearing the words, "we're expecting", NO ONE says, "You just set yourself up for a lifetime of worrying, way to go pal...". Nope, they say, "Congratulations. We're sooooo happy for you!"
BULLSHIT!!
No one warns you that you will be giving birth to not a baby, but a Rubik's Cube. Yup, that's right...that little evil colored square block is what you'll be bringing home from the hospital, and now you have to stay up day and night trying to solve the cursed thing while it cries and screams. Finally one day you will solve it and be so proud you will hold it up triumphantly for the world to see. All those little squares will all be the same color on every side and you will breathe a sigh of relief and collapse into your bed from utter exhaustion. Then one day you will wake up and see that some bastard has mixed up all the frigging colors on you and you have to solve it AGAIN!! This will go on repeatedly year after year, but like a sucker you will keep solving it because you love your Rubik's Cube more than anything else in the world and you worry about it.
Congratualtions? Yep, that's the best response. Keep those starry eyed, lovestruck new parents in the dark as long as you can. The poor things don't know what's coming. Anyway, isn't it more fun watching them change from happy, grinning, giddy morons to sleepless, worrying, Rubik's Cube-solving zombies?
